So like..
A couple of months back I found myself in a vague space. I thought everything was going well for me at the same time I was not Content.
I was surrounded by the people whom I knew loved me dearly, happily in a relationship, out there every weekend achieving great results serving my community, church and friends, which is truly my passion. I was that girl, out there active and shit.
But, every time, at the end of each 'good' deed I would return home empty and drained to a core. I couldn't understand why because I was sure I was doing good whole heatedly. It hit me, my life is so busy I hadn't even got time to focus on myself. Yes, it makes me happy to give joy to the ones I love and they return the favor but WHY was this all not enough?
I battled with bad anxiety. Every morning I would get these panic attacks which led to me throwing up on an empty stomach, excruciating pain I had to suffer on my own. I knew my body was telling me to STOP, too stubborn and proud to bow down and submit, I carried on with the busyness, I mean I have people depending on me and a reputation to maintain right. Well,I crashed.
At work, on a busy Friday I just decided NO, I was loosing myself so fast I didn't even know my true identity anymore.
I remember sitting at the desk, praying so hard to my Creator, pleading
and asking questions such as: "Why am I so empty when all I have done is
to please you by serving your people?", "What can I do to regain my
strength again?"
At this point I was afraid I would have to start taking antidepressants because I have a history of depression going back as a twelve year old girl. Almost every second year I ended up going through depression treatment for six months each time. Adult life was too much, I was afraid.
I had tried to hint or point out in passing that I was drowning-but I learnt fast that the strong ones are never really paid attention to. Too proud to ask for help because of previous disappointments, I knew I needed to do this by myself. Realizing I couldn't, I went straight to the source, My Creator.
Yeap, wisdom was bestowed on me. I dug deep into my thoughts and memories, trying to find good childhood memories in all that dark childhood of mine. I did this because I remembered that back then I took no pills to survive, I spoke to no psychologists to be able to carry on with life. I went back to the basics.
When I was a little girl, whenever I needed to escape reality so I can find comfort or strength I Read, I read ALOT, reading was my safe place. I would read ingredients on the Cobra floor polish whilst on my knees polishing the floor in the kitchen. The back cover of Surf washing powder when I'm being enslaved with the whole family's laundry at the tender age of Nine. I hid at the library during lunch breaks at school and read till the buzzer rang.
So, with this good childhood memory alone, I realized I hadn't read in a long time. I had been so busy I even forgot that my first love is reading. So I deleted ALL my social media networks from my phone: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Whatsapp. I started reading again and since I was in no connection with anyone I didn't have to be part of anything therefore I had all the time for myself.
Another childhood memory was with my late grand-mother. She loved Planting, every morning when she was not bhabhalazed she will take me with her when she went to her little farm and we would spend the entire morning planting almost every basic vegetable used on a daily bases. I enjoyed it so much, being one with nature taught me nurturing. I would laugh out loud at her jokes and stories with her friends at the shebeens she frequented. It was beautiful.
So this lead me to the idea of starting my own garden. My partner, amazing as she is put the plan into action, as of yesterday I cooked spinach from my very own garden.
Now why am I getting so personal and sharing all of this? Well, I did promise you Authenticity.
Our lives have gotten so busy and empty at the same time, I hope by me sharing will encourage you to not give in to depression and mental illness. One step at a time dig deep to your coping mechanism you had when you were a little child.
It may seem like insignificant to others but it worked for me.
I hope this TOUCHES at least one person and gives the
slightest HOPE.
Love and Light.
Please feel free to share Your True Self.
